back againn

Dear friends, I miss you.
I completely forgot about this blog, it made me laugh because we are such dorks. School and work has been keeping me really busy. I feel like I am just surviving on the weekdays, sort of feels like treading water and then when I sleep I can come to shore for a bit then when I wake up I just have to make sure I don't drown. Haha overexaggeration but I'm sure you can get what I mean.

Oh I bought a ticket to Seattle for Christmas break. I want to see my sibs Daniel and Marina. I feel bad that they can't go home for Christmas plus I really miss the west coast in general. I miss the people and I miss how everything has more nature around it. Here it's just city city city.

New York and Jersey are kind of growing on me though. There is something about people here where everyone can live together even though they are all so different that makes it so great. Haha sometimes when I am walking to work and I see a guy screaming at a cop for giving him a ticket and at the same time a man winks at another guy who's old for having the same hat as him and the lady giving out newspapers is calling everyone babydoll and yelling for them to have a great day, I can't help but love the way it is so chaotic and loud and busy.

Anyways I don't really know what to write now without rambling. Church here kind of depresses me. I tried going to New York, Clifton, NJ and even KEA somewhere else in NJ but it all suckksss. New York is more like Christian, Clifton the pastor is Indian and I can't understand what he is saying and KEA is really nice but I can't speak Korean and the whole service is Korean. So I haven't gone to church in forever. My mother in law keeps telling me we need to go to church but I would much rather sleep in and do hw. I definitely feel like my spiritual life is lacking I feel a lot less inspired than I usually am. I miss having a sense of community with people too.

I think Glenn feels the same way because the other day we just both without telling each other felt like we should just move to a completely different place. Maybe it's just because we are stuck in the grind of school and work hahah but I think it's also hard not to feel like this will be a permanent place to live unless we do something now.

Anyways I want to leave you with something that has inspired me, we were reading this in my Lit class.

"Genius can only breathe freely in an atmosphere of freedom. Persons of genius are, by definition, more individual than any other people -- less capable, consequently, of fitting themselves, without hurtful compression, into any of the small number of molds which society provides in order to save it's members the trouble of forming their own character."
- John Stuart Mill (from On Liberty)

I liked it because when he is talking about genius it is more of term for imaginative, creative individual, like the individual spirit. Just lately I can't help feeling that I should be doing something different I should be thinking about setting myself up for the right job for when I graduate. I feel like all my focus is getting my degree done instead of improving my skill or what I love to do.
Then the other day I was talking to Shin Young at work about it and she said that the people who are most successful in art are people who had a hobby and made it into something because they just loved it and kept improving it. And she said I am focusing on the stress of finding the job it's going to stifle my creativity. That I should find something I want to continue with and hone it so it is my skill.

Anywaysssss haha sorry for going on forever about this. But I hope society and the stress of life does not stifle your character or your individual spirit.

I love you!

Jude

badass skipping school hahaha

Hey I'm skipping school today. Not really because I am sick but actually because I feel like I needed a day for myself and it's like the best feeling in the world. Tomorrow this decision will probably kick my ass but ehh right now I'm trying to enjoy it.

I missed you guys!
I'm sorry I haven't been as frequently blog posting I wanna know more about what is going on in your lives!!!

I saw the inspirational posts loveddd themmm haha they were both written really well. I liked the miracles one about how we hope that everything works out but it wouldn't be the best if everything did.

Anyways other than me skipping school not much has been new. I've just been talking to Glenn like the usual. No drama. I'm going to visit him soon like on the 23rd so that's a little nerve wracking.

Things at this house have gotten a little dramatic though. Aich and Corin are getting kicked out of windermere because she accidently fell asleep in his room while they watched a movie together. then the other guys in the room complained, (they didn't do anything btw) buttt because of that the people who ran this house went a little cray cray and were like you have to move out now. soo now aich is packing her things and they are looking for an apartment together.

It's sad because I already feel a little distant from her. All she does is spend time with corin and if I ever spend time with her corin is there. And I feel like since before he came I put up this idea that I didnt want to spend any time with her and corin. Because before he came to visit I was like "okay I'm not gonna be your third wheel." and she kept being like oh well molly can tag a long too so you don't feel left out. but that wasn't the reason why I said that. Now I am kind of sad I said that even though it as true. I had no idea when I said that, that he was gonna end up getting blessed to her and they were gonna end up being husband and wife. So nowwww it feels like I can't hang out with them as comfortably and its harder to get to know him in general since he is more reserved. yeahh to be fair aich hasn't really helped much either she is always with him and the only time I see her is when she is super pissy before we are about to go to sleep hahaha

kind of sad but at the same time I've been so preoccupied with glenn it's been hard to pay attention to, until recently when they got their 2 week notice to leave. it kind of hit me in the face that I'm hardly ever gonna see her now because we don't even make time for each other when we live together.

I don't think she cares much she is so obsessed with corin to notice. I'm kind of glad they have to move out too at the same time beacuse they would ALWAYS be in my room
and being all touchy and stuff while I'm trying to study or do homework. I knew they had no where else to go but it was seriously super annoying.

Other than that I feel like I've lacked a lot in my social life in general. I work two jobs now one at the daycare and one at Tea republik with sunli. this quarter has been kind of kicking my ass. mostly because it's hard to stay focused I always wanna talk to glenn hahahah plus I took on more this quarter so I have less time to get stuff done.

Anyways I hope you guys are doing well <3 I miss you lotss

love love love
judlez

blessing workshop

so I unexpectedly went to a blessing ws today.
It wasn't some grandiose high level one, ran by rev shanker or something hahaa just a small one run by Eunhwa and her husband with guest speakers like David Wolfenburger at the ballard church.

I was expecting it to suck, or not be that great. I didn't think I was gonna end up going but I went because I didn't want Molly to be alone and I thought it would be a good refresher. I'm really glad I went though. I think I've been forgetting why I do things if that makes sense. It's not like I have been going off dating people or something but you just do things because you're supposed to and because you know you want it in the long run. So it was a good reminder why I wanna get blessed and why I wanna be with someone in this church.

the biggest thing I learned was that love is practice. Just hearing all the couples talk about it, it's always a daily practice that kind of gets better with everyday but it's never just simple and easy.

I thought I was getting ready to be able to find someone, but I think I really wanna be happy before I find anyone. And I wanna be someone that is finally offering something to someone else not just desperate to be with someone. I don't feel like I'll have that until I completely love myself. bleehh anyways I'll stop going on with this.

I'm so excited my sister is coming tomorrow afdkalhdjakfhdsla

much love and happy holidays
jude

final product

finished product ^_^ 

it's too yellow because of the camera hahah

break

so I tried commenting the posts you guys made for some reason it's not working :/

it's been an interesting break so far, the time is just flying by. I've been spending my time getting a card together with aich and molly, going on random adventures with them, watching community, catching up with people and doing hot yoga. We also do random things like go to ballets and birthdays. I've been kind of sick lately and the looming dread of this business has been hanging over me like the rain clouds of seattle. haha but it's good because I'm finally dealing with it. I told my mom about how much I would owe and then she started freaking out. It was kind of sad .. I think I shouldn't have told her, it doesn't really help the situation.

Mergen went to California to work. I'm not sure how that will go, I'm not really sure how he is because we have kind of stopped talking all together. I don't really know how to be friends with him anymore. And I don't know how to feel about it because even though I'm not super angry at him, I don't want to be around him anymore. I just see the point in spending time with anyone who purposely makes me feel like shit. But at the same time it's not like he does it to make me feel bad, he just does it. I hope things work out for him, I feel like I am crushing whatever dream he had. Because I know this business was his dream not mine. I think he'll be okay...

sorry for that depressing note..I am actually doing pretty well right now.I am really happy with the grades I got. I'm excited to see my sister and do more holidays things and I'm excited to see you guys ^_^ This friday we are having a Christmas party for Kiki because he is leaving which should be funtimes. ohhh also me and aich are working on a video again for that barrytown thing, this time teddy is working with us. Which is a little frustrating because we have conflicting ideas about how it should be made. I just really want to make a good video. 

I feel like after yoga today I had this weird realization about self respect. Okay bear with me, I know this might sound kind of hokie. That I basically do not self respect myself. Not in the sense of like personal abuse. But I don't respect my body by eating well or treating it well by exercising. I also don't respect myself by pursing what makes me happy. I just do what I think the other people around me think is best. Like for sooo long I didn't think it was right to pursue art because I thought I should just go for what my parents would want. They never forced me to do anything I just didn't want to go after a major that wouldn't ensure a job that could pay me comfortably. I started the business with Mergen because I thought I could help him and me. But I didn't think about if it would make me happy doing it. I dunno it just made me think about how much I take care of myself. Even when I'm sick I don't really give a shit and take care of my body. I mean before doing this yoga and working out wasn't even for the sake of making me feel better or healthier really I just wanted to look better. And I think it even relates to spiritual life... Like respecting my relationship with God and how I live my life. I don't do what it takes to keep that up, most of the time I leave it till I really feel like I need to pray or I'm really desperate. I just feel like my whole life I just take things and I don't view myself confidently just as is and sort of objectively. But maybe it relates to how much respect I give myself. How I treat my body, my mind, my happiness and my relationship with God. I would never treat other people they way I treat myself. Maybe this is a little of an over-exaggeration in some areas but I think I need to respect myself more. I'll be a lot more confident and happy with myself if I just respect myself and do what is best for all the areas in my life.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, it makes a lot more sense in my head haha 

I hope you guys are having a great break so far ;) I'm super excited for when you guys come, I think I need to plan out more of a schedule or something for when you get here hahah alot of people are gonna be in seattle...david and scurry are coming up too. and teddy and taka wanna see you guys too. 

OH and one more thingI stumbled upon this in my old quotes folder on gmail, it almost made me cry because it made me remember all the great and crazy things of nga. I don't want to remember it so bitter anymore. or even be cynical about the way people are or life. life can be pretty difficult, just kicks you in the face and makes you crumple to your knees. but it's like while you are down there you realize the most beautiful thing, that the suffering is okay because everything that you are feeling just makes you more alive. At some points Nga might have been an unreal dream or heart wrenching struggles but I believe what we experienced was something most people never get a glimpse of in their lifetime and I feel so lucky. And the best part I think is that we are still living and moving forward haha

okay I'll stop now, I'm starting to sound like ethan hahaha 

Dear God,
Thank you for everything, especially these last 5 years,
For a chance to test my mettle, and see what I’m made of.
Thank you for all the laughs and tears,
Thank you clearing up all these questions I had,
About my heart and why it’s so damn frail.
Thank you for strengthening me,
Through the lessons of loving another,
By learning to open my heart,
and swallowing your children within its depths
Where they were free to wander and settle,
and if the stars were on our side,
find the peace they ache for.
Yet year after year,
So abruptly they were seized from inside me.
By a merciless plane flying overhead,
Leaving me with footprints upon my heart to remember them by.
Dear Alumni,
One day we will meet again,
Embrace,
Regale each other with tales of victory and defeat,
And get to know each other all over again.
But until that day comes,
All those between that day and today,
And every moment within,
Will be haunted by a desire to see you once again.
I thank each and every one of you,
For filling these last 5 years with all the love that a heart could stand.
Dear Brothers,
Know that this new part of life will be harder than the last,
There will come a time when it feels like your teeth are kicked in,
and you fall the ground with the most ungraceful thud,
unable to move forward.
Stand up anyway,
And know that the blood of champions run through your veins,
You will rise to that challenge,
As you have with all the ones before,
And punch it in the face.
If anything,
You have shown me that you are a damn tenacious lot,
and have hearts of gold.
Stand together,
And move forward,
With the strength of your father within you.
You have what it takes.
Dear Sisters,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
If after reading those words,
You feel precious, adored, cared for,
Like a crane lifted by the wind,
Like a diamond worth millions,
Or like Satsuki and Mei on Totoro’s back,
Then it did the trick.
Your love has always brought out the best in me,
In the moments when life became the darkest,
You couldn’t have been more radiant.
Thank you for the love you so graciously bestow upon me,
I’m forever grateful,
For sisters as lovely as yourselves.
Dear God,
I’m back,
I can’t promise that this was the last time we’ll have a rift between us
We both know me well enough for that.
But you also know me a bit better than I do,
And see something I don’t quite see,
Why else would you give so much to a dork like me?
I’ll trust that the path I’m on will lead towards something better.
Towards making me the man that you need me to be,
The man that my family needs me to be
And preparing me for the long road ahead
I understand that it’s natural to have growing pains in this time of transition
I promise that I’ll be easier on myself
That perhaps the constant self-criticism may not be best for me
And to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Just like you taught me.
There is no way I can express my gratitude,
With such narrow words,
impossible.
Can a man empty the ocean with his mouth?
Neither can I empty myself of this sea of love,
With this impeding mouth of mine.
So I bid this chapter of my life farewell,
And begin writing a new one.
One filled with new plot twists,
Memorable Characters,
and plenty of WTF moments I’m sure.
But an exciting one nonetheless.
Au revoir NGA

- Teddy Sylte

LOVE JUDE

final final final

finals studying woooh
I'm having a hard time concentrating at the moment but after weds I'm home free.

I don't understand how people do this, I only have one final and I feel like it is so much to cover and study and understand and not fail.
you guys are super heros

that is alll. gonna go back to studying

Xoxoooooo
judlez

During my tenth grade year in highschool we had three memorable exchange students. One who came from Brazil, one from Mexico and one from Germany. Vivianne, Marianna and Nora. My group of friends got really close to them during my year. But after that year was over we lost touch.
Yesterday Vivianne died, her funeral's tomorrow.
She's probably one of the nicest people I know: beautiful, laughs all the time, makes you smile just by seeing her. I can't imagine someone not liking Viv. It's weird because when someone dies so young you can't imagine them being gone. I wish I kept in touch with her more.
It's crazy because last year my friend Dustin died too.

It puts life into perspective. I'm lucky to be alive right now and I want to enjoy every moment, even the shittier ones. I can't waste my time doubting myself, or complaining about all the things I wish I did or the things that I don't have.
Because all I have is now.

I'm sorry if this is depressing to read I just wanted to write it somewhere.

much love,
jude