blessing workshop

so I unexpectedly went to a blessing ws today.
It wasn't some grandiose high level one, ran by rev shanker or something hahaa just a small one run by Eunhwa and her husband with guest speakers like David Wolfenburger at the ballard church.

I was expecting it to suck, or not be that great. I didn't think I was gonna end up going but I went because I didn't want Molly to be alone and I thought it would be a good refresher. I'm really glad I went though. I think I've been forgetting why I do things if that makes sense. It's not like I have been going off dating people or something but you just do things because you're supposed to and because you know you want it in the long run. So it was a good reminder why I wanna get blessed and why I wanna be with someone in this church.

the biggest thing I learned was that love is practice. Just hearing all the couples talk about it, it's always a daily practice that kind of gets better with everyday but it's never just simple and easy.

I thought I was getting ready to be able to find someone, but I think I really wanna be happy before I find anyone. And I wanna be someone that is finally offering something to someone else not just desperate to be with someone. I don't feel like I'll have that until I completely love myself. bleehh anyways I'll stop going on with this.

I'm so excited my sister is coming tomorrow afdkalhdjakfhdsla

much love and happy holidays
jude

final product

finished product ^_^ 

it's too yellow because of the camera hahah

break

so I tried commenting the posts you guys made for some reason it's not working :/

it's been an interesting break so far, the time is just flying by. I've been spending my time getting a card together with aich and molly, going on random adventures with them, watching community, catching up with people and doing hot yoga. We also do random things like go to ballets and birthdays. I've been kind of sick lately and the looming dread of this business has been hanging over me like the rain clouds of seattle. haha but it's good because I'm finally dealing with it. I told my mom about how much I would owe and then she started freaking out. It was kind of sad .. I think I shouldn't have told her, it doesn't really help the situation.

Mergen went to California to work. I'm not sure how that will go, I'm not really sure how he is because we have kind of stopped talking all together. I don't really know how to be friends with him anymore. And I don't know how to feel about it because even though I'm not super angry at him, I don't want to be around him anymore. I just see the point in spending time with anyone who purposely makes me feel like shit. But at the same time it's not like he does it to make me feel bad, he just does it. I hope things work out for him, I feel like I am crushing whatever dream he had. Because I know this business was his dream not mine. I think he'll be okay...

sorry for that depressing note..I am actually doing pretty well right now.I am really happy with the grades I got. I'm excited to see my sister and do more holidays things and I'm excited to see you guys ^_^ This friday we are having a Christmas party for Kiki because he is leaving which should be funtimes. ohhh also me and aich are working on a video again for that barrytown thing, this time teddy is working with us. Which is a little frustrating because we have conflicting ideas about how it should be made. I just really want to make a good video. 

I feel like after yoga today I had this weird realization about self respect. Okay bear with me, I know this might sound kind of hokie. That I basically do not self respect myself. Not in the sense of like personal abuse. But I don't respect my body by eating well or treating it well by exercising. I also don't respect myself by pursing what makes me happy. I just do what I think the other people around me think is best. Like for sooo long I didn't think it was right to pursue art because I thought I should just go for what my parents would want. They never forced me to do anything I just didn't want to go after a major that wouldn't ensure a job that could pay me comfortably. I started the business with Mergen because I thought I could help him and me. But I didn't think about if it would make me happy doing it. I dunno it just made me think about how much I take care of myself. Even when I'm sick I don't really give a shit and take care of my body. I mean before doing this yoga and working out wasn't even for the sake of making me feel better or healthier really I just wanted to look better. And I think it even relates to spiritual life... Like respecting my relationship with God and how I live my life. I don't do what it takes to keep that up, most of the time I leave it till I really feel like I need to pray or I'm really desperate. I just feel like my whole life I just take things and I don't view myself confidently just as is and sort of objectively. But maybe it relates to how much respect I give myself. How I treat my body, my mind, my happiness and my relationship with God. I would never treat other people they way I treat myself. Maybe this is a little of an over-exaggeration in some areas but I think I need to respect myself more. I'll be a lot more confident and happy with myself if I just respect myself and do what is best for all the areas in my life.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, it makes a lot more sense in my head haha 

I hope you guys are having a great break so far ;) I'm super excited for when you guys come, I think I need to plan out more of a schedule or something for when you get here hahah alot of people are gonna be in seattle...david and scurry are coming up too. and teddy and taka wanna see you guys too. 

OH and one more thingI stumbled upon this in my old quotes folder on gmail, it almost made me cry because it made me remember all the great and crazy things of nga. I don't want to remember it so bitter anymore. or even be cynical about the way people are or life. life can be pretty difficult, just kicks you in the face and makes you crumple to your knees. but it's like while you are down there you realize the most beautiful thing, that the suffering is okay because everything that you are feeling just makes you more alive. At some points Nga might have been an unreal dream or heart wrenching struggles but I believe what we experienced was something most people never get a glimpse of in their lifetime and I feel so lucky. And the best part I think is that we are still living and moving forward haha

okay I'll stop now, I'm starting to sound like ethan hahaha 

Dear God,
Thank you for everything, especially these last 5 years,
For a chance to test my mettle, and see what I’m made of.
Thank you for all the laughs and tears,
Thank you clearing up all these questions I had,
About my heart and why it’s so damn frail.
Thank you for strengthening me,
Through the lessons of loving another,
By learning to open my heart,
and swallowing your children within its depths
Where they were free to wander and settle,
and if the stars were on our side,
find the peace they ache for.
Yet year after year,
So abruptly they were seized from inside me.
By a merciless plane flying overhead,
Leaving me with footprints upon my heart to remember them by.
Dear Alumni,
One day we will meet again,
Embrace,
Regale each other with tales of victory and defeat,
And get to know each other all over again.
But until that day comes,
All those between that day and today,
And every moment within,
Will be haunted by a desire to see you once again.
I thank each and every one of you,
For filling these last 5 years with all the love that a heart could stand.
Dear Brothers,
Know that this new part of life will be harder than the last,
There will come a time when it feels like your teeth are kicked in,
and you fall the ground with the most ungraceful thud,
unable to move forward.
Stand up anyway,
And know that the blood of champions run through your veins,
You will rise to that challenge,
As you have with all the ones before,
And punch it in the face.
If anything,
You have shown me that you are a damn tenacious lot,
and have hearts of gold.
Stand together,
And move forward,
With the strength of your father within you.
You have what it takes.
Dear Sisters,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
If after reading those words,
You feel precious, adored, cared for,
Like a crane lifted by the wind,
Like a diamond worth millions,
Or like Satsuki and Mei on Totoro’s back,
Then it did the trick.
Your love has always brought out the best in me,
In the moments when life became the darkest,
You couldn’t have been more radiant.
Thank you for the love you so graciously bestow upon me,
I’m forever grateful,
For sisters as lovely as yourselves.
Dear God,
I’m back,
I can’t promise that this was the last time we’ll have a rift between us
We both know me well enough for that.
But you also know me a bit better than I do,
And see something I don’t quite see,
Why else would you give so much to a dork like me?
I’ll trust that the path I’m on will lead towards something better.
Towards making me the man that you need me to be,
The man that my family needs me to be
And preparing me for the long road ahead
I understand that it’s natural to have growing pains in this time of transition
I promise that I’ll be easier on myself
That perhaps the constant self-criticism may not be best for me
And to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Just like you taught me.
There is no way I can express my gratitude,
With such narrow words,
impossible.
Can a man empty the ocean with his mouth?
Neither can I empty myself of this sea of love,
With this impeding mouth of mine.
So I bid this chapter of my life farewell,
And begin writing a new one.
One filled with new plot twists,
Memorable Characters,
and plenty of WTF moments I’m sure.
But an exciting one nonetheless.
Au revoir NGA

- Teddy Sylte

LOVE JUDE

final final final

finals studying woooh
I'm having a hard time concentrating at the moment but after weds I'm home free.

I don't understand how people do this, I only have one final and I feel like it is so much to cover and study and understand and not fail.
you guys are super heros

that is alll. gonna go back to studying

Xoxoooooo
judlez

During my tenth grade year in highschool we had three memorable exchange students. One who came from Brazil, one from Mexico and one from Germany. Vivianne, Marianna and Nora. My group of friends got really close to them during my year. But after that year was over we lost touch.
Yesterday Vivianne died, her funeral's tomorrow.
She's probably one of the nicest people I know: beautiful, laughs all the time, makes you smile just by seeing her. I can't imagine someone not liking Viv. It's weird because when someone dies so young you can't imagine them being gone. I wish I kept in touch with her more.
It's crazy because last year my friend Dustin died too.

It puts life into perspective. I'm lucky to be alive right now and I want to enjoy every moment, even the shittier ones. I can't waste my time doubting myself, or complaining about all the things I wish I did or the things that I don't have.
Because all I have is now.

I'm sorry if this is depressing to read I just wanted to write it somewhere.

much love,
jude

school and rain combined with finals is depressing

yeah I cried three times today either my period coming up or I'm just hella emotional.

first time I cried out of self pity and depression hhahaha thinking about it, it's kind of funny and sad

second time was after I came home from the studio at school and watched this old second year graduation video that kana made for the cali center, made me cry soooo much hahaha

then third time I was just chatting tamaki and cried. 

wtff

I think either the fume of paint or the end of the quarter is making me emotional. I literally spent the whole weekend painting because everything is due this week. 

do you ever feel like life is like one neverending black door after another? like that story about the man who could choose between the firing squad or the black door. because it was easier to surrender than to go into the unknown... I dunno I just keep thinking about the future and I hate how uncertain everything is. 

I'm working hard taking classes in hopes of getting a major, in hopes of getting a job, in hopes of loving what I do. It's just so unpredictable and I feel like if I'm not happy now I'm never gonna be happy. 

sorry this ranting isn't really making sense to me either.

I'm just in a weird mood after this weekend. But I'm gonna power through this week and kick this quarter's ass! hahahah

here's one of my painting's I'm working on. it's not done yet but I like where it's at so far. Her name is Beatrix, it's a copy of Dante Rossetti's painting of her. 

I'm really excited for the holidays, everyone is making all these fun holiday plans and I'm excited ^_^