blessing workshop

so I unexpectedly went to a blessing ws today.
It wasn't some grandiose high level one, ran by rev shanker or something hahaa just a small one run by Eunhwa and her husband with guest speakers like David Wolfenburger at the ballard church.

I was expecting it to suck, or not be that great. I didn't think I was gonna end up going but I went because I didn't want Molly to be alone and I thought it would be a good refresher. I'm really glad I went though. I think I've been forgetting why I do things if that makes sense. It's not like I have been going off dating people or something but you just do things because you're supposed to and because you know you want it in the long run. So it was a good reminder why I wanna get blessed and why I wanna be with someone in this church.

the biggest thing I learned was that love is practice. Just hearing all the couples talk about it, it's always a daily practice that kind of gets better with everyday but it's never just simple and easy.

I thought I was getting ready to be able to find someone, but I think I really wanna be happy before I find anyone. And I wanna be someone that is finally offering something to someone else not just desperate to be with someone. I don't feel like I'll have that until I completely love myself. bleehh anyways I'll stop going on with this.

I'm so excited my sister is coming tomorrow afdkalhdjakfhdsla

much love and happy holidays
jude

final product

finished product ^_^ 

it's too yellow because of the camera hahah

break

so I tried commenting the posts you guys made for some reason it's not working :/

it's been an interesting break so far, the time is just flying by. I've been spending my time getting a card together with aich and molly, going on random adventures with them, watching community, catching up with people and doing hot yoga. We also do random things like go to ballets and birthdays. I've been kind of sick lately and the looming dread of this business has been hanging over me like the rain clouds of seattle. haha but it's good because I'm finally dealing with it. I told my mom about how much I would owe and then she started freaking out. It was kind of sad .. I think I shouldn't have told her, it doesn't really help the situation.

Mergen went to California to work. I'm not sure how that will go, I'm not really sure how he is because we have kind of stopped talking all together. I don't really know how to be friends with him anymore. And I don't know how to feel about it because even though I'm not super angry at him, I don't want to be around him anymore. I just see the point in spending time with anyone who purposely makes me feel like shit. But at the same time it's not like he does it to make me feel bad, he just does it. I hope things work out for him, I feel like I am crushing whatever dream he had. Because I know this business was his dream not mine. I think he'll be okay...

sorry for that depressing note..I am actually doing pretty well right now.I am really happy with the grades I got. I'm excited to see my sister and do more holidays things and I'm excited to see you guys ^_^ This friday we are having a Christmas party for Kiki because he is leaving which should be funtimes. ohhh also me and aich are working on a video again for that barrytown thing, this time teddy is working with us. Which is a little frustrating because we have conflicting ideas about how it should be made. I just really want to make a good video. 

I feel like after yoga today I had this weird realization about self respect. Okay bear with me, I know this might sound kind of hokie. That I basically do not self respect myself. Not in the sense of like personal abuse. But I don't respect my body by eating well or treating it well by exercising. I also don't respect myself by pursing what makes me happy. I just do what I think the other people around me think is best. Like for sooo long I didn't think it was right to pursue art because I thought I should just go for what my parents would want. They never forced me to do anything I just didn't want to go after a major that wouldn't ensure a job that could pay me comfortably. I started the business with Mergen because I thought I could help him and me. But I didn't think about if it would make me happy doing it. I dunno it just made me think about how much I take care of myself. Even when I'm sick I don't really give a shit and take care of my body. I mean before doing this yoga and working out wasn't even for the sake of making me feel better or healthier really I just wanted to look better. And I think it even relates to spiritual life... Like respecting my relationship with God and how I live my life. I don't do what it takes to keep that up, most of the time I leave it till I really feel like I need to pray or I'm really desperate. I just feel like my whole life I just take things and I don't view myself confidently just as is and sort of objectively. But maybe it relates to how much respect I give myself. How I treat my body, my mind, my happiness and my relationship with God. I would never treat other people they way I treat myself. Maybe this is a little of an over-exaggeration in some areas but I think I need to respect myself more. I'll be a lot more confident and happy with myself if I just respect myself and do what is best for all the areas in my life.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, it makes a lot more sense in my head haha 

I hope you guys are having a great break so far ;) I'm super excited for when you guys come, I think I need to plan out more of a schedule or something for when you get here hahah alot of people are gonna be in seattle...david and scurry are coming up too. and teddy and taka wanna see you guys too. 

OH and one more thingI stumbled upon this in my old quotes folder on gmail, it almost made me cry because it made me remember all the great and crazy things of nga. I don't want to remember it so bitter anymore. or even be cynical about the way people are or life. life can be pretty difficult, just kicks you in the face and makes you crumple to your knees. but it's like while you are down there you realize the most beautiful thing, that the suffering is okay because everything that you are feeling just makes you more alive. At some points Nga might have been an unreal dream or heart wrenching struggles but I believe what we experienced was something most people never get a glimpse of in their lifetime and I feel so lucky. And the best part I think is that we are still living and moving forward haha

okay I'll stop now, I'm starting to sound like ethan hahaha 

Dear God,
Thank you for everything, especially these last 5 years,
For a chance to test my mettle, and see what I’m made of.
Thank you for all the laughs and tears,
Thank you clearing up all these questions I had,
About my heart and why it’s so damn frail.
Thank you for strengthening me,
Through the lessons of loving another,
By learning to open my heart,
and swallowing your children within its depths
Where they were free to wander and settle,
and if the stars were on our side,
find the peace they ache for.
Yet year after year,
So abruptly they were seized from inside me.
By a merciless plane flying overhead,
Leaving me with footprints upon my heart to remember them by.
Dear Alumni,
One day we will meet again,
Embrace,
Regale each other with tales of victory and defeat,
And get to know each other all over again.
But until that day comes,
All those between that day and today,
And every moment within,
Will be haunted by a desire to see you once again.
I thank each and every one of you,
For filling these last 5 years with all the love that a heart could stand.
Dear Brothers,
Know that this new part of life will be harder than the last,
There will come a time when it feels like your teeth are kicked in,
and you fall the ground with the most ungraceful thud,
unable to move forward.
Stand up anyway,
And know that the blood of champions run through your veins,
You will rise to that challenge,
As you have with all the ones before,
And punch it in the face.
If anything,
You have shown me that you are a damn tenacious lot,
and have hearts of gold.
Stand together,
And move forward,
With the strength of your father within you.
You have what it takes.
Dear Sisters,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
If after reading those words,
You feel precious, adored, cared for,
Like a crane lifted by the wind,
Like a diamond worth millions,
Or like Satsuki and Mei on Totoro’s back,
Then it did the trick.
Your love has always brought out the best in me,
In the moments when life became the darkest,
You couldn’t have been more radiant.
Thank you for the love you so graciously bestow upon me,
I’m forever grateful,
For sisters as lovely as yourselves.
Dear God,
I’m back,
I can’t promise that this was the last time we’ll have a rift between us
We both know me well enough for that.
But you also know me a bit better than I do,
And see something I don’t quite see,
Why else would you give so much to a dork like me?
I’ll trust that the path I’m on will lead towards something better.
Towards making me the man that you need me to be,
The man that my family needs me to be
And preparing me for the long road ahead
I understand that it’s natural to have growing pains in this time of transition
I promise that I’ll be easier on myself
That perhaps the constant self-criticism may not be best for me
And to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Just like you taught me.
There is no way I can express my gratitude,
With such narrow words,
impossible.
Can a man empty the ocean with his mouth?
Neither can I empty myself of this sea of love,
With this impeding mouth of mine.
So I bid this chapter of my life farewell,
And begin writing a new one.
One filled with new plot twists,
Memorable Characters,
and plenty of WTF moments I’m sure.
But an exciting one nonetheless.
Au revoir NGA

- Teddy Sylte

LOVE JUDE

final final final

finals studying woooh
I'm having a hard time concentrating at the moment but after weds I'm home free.

I don't understand how people do this, I only have one final and I feel like it is so much to cover and study and understand and not fail.
you guys are super heros

that is alll. gonna go back to studying

Xoxoooooo
judlez

During my tenth grade year in highschool we had three memorable exchange students. One who came from Brazil, one from Mexico and one from Germany. Vivianne, Marianna and Nora. My group of friends got really close to them during my year. But after that year was over we lost touch.
Yesterday Vivianne died, her funeral's tomorrow.
She's probably one of the nicest people I know: beautiful, laughs all the time, makes you smile just by seeing her. I can't imagine someone not liking Viv. It's weird because when someone dies so young you can't imagine them being gone. I wish I kept in touch with her more.
It's crazy because last year my friend Dustin died too.

It puts life into perspective. I'm lucky to be alive right now and I want to enjoy every moment, even the shittier ones. I can't waste my time doubting myself, or complaining about all the things I wish I did or the things that I don't have.
Because all I have is now.

I'm sorry if this is depressing to read I just wanted to write it somewhere.

much love,
jude

school and rain combined with finals is depressing

yeah I cried three times today either my period coming up or I'm just hella emotional.

first time I cried out of self pity and depression hhahaha thinking about it, it's kind of funny and sad

second time was after I came home from the studio at school and watched this old second year graduation video that kana made for the cali center, made me cry soooo much hahaha

then third time I was just chatting tamaki and cried. 

wtff

I think either the fume of paint or the end of the quarter is making me emotional. I literally spent the whole weekend painting because everything is due this week. 

do you ever feel like life is like one neverending black door after another? like that story about the man who could choose between the firing squad or the black door. because it was easier to surrender than to go into the unknown... I dunno I just keep thinking about the future and I hate how uncertain everything is. 

I'm working hard taking classes in hopes of getting a major, in hopes of getting a job, in hopes of loving what I do. It's just so unpredictable and I feel like if I'm not happy now I'm never gonna be happy. 

sorry this ranting isn't really making sense to me either.

I'm just in a weird mood after this weekend. But I'm gonna power through this week and kick this quarter's ass! hahahah

here's one of my painting's I'm working on. it's not done yet but I like where it's at so far. Her name is Beatrix, it's a copy of Dante Rossetti's painting of her. 

I'm really excited for the holidays, everyone is making all these fun holiday plans and I'm excited ^_^ 

happy thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving guys!
I'm spending thanksgiving with mina and priscilla at the pisano's house. thanks to amiella :)

I'm grateful for a lot of things.
I think it's been pretty easy for me to get down about life lately. The combination of praying in the morning, hot yoga and painting has helped me feel a lot better about life lol but I think mostly the praying. ALSO a package from emily which made my day, soooo happy.

My art teacher came up to me in class and started talking to me about school and the future. And she just said something that just hit me. She said that art school is really hard, especially because everyone's main concern is getting a job after. That her parents didn't help her with school and she had to put herself through school. But in the end it is all worth it because, you need to be doing something that makes you happy. She told me I have the two qualities to make it because I am hard working and talented but if it makes me happy that is the most important. She said you think it's about money but it never is, that chasing money will never make you happy.
I'm really tired of being unhappy with what I do, hahaha. But today I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life. I have such great friends and family and I am soo lucky.

I love you guys and I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving <3

I'm on boaaattt

Last night was crazy town. Holy crap hahahaha it was Priscilla's birthday and we went on a boat on Lake Union. It was so gorgeous at night you could see the city on the water, all the lights and the Seattle skyline with the space needle. I am gonna do that with my husband someday haha

yeahhh then the drinking started and it got crazy. It was just the girls plus Inez's boyfriend so there was no real drama which was refreshing, because honestly in my opinion the guys in seattle are way wayy to emotional.

Priscilla was really happy and that made me happy lol. At one point in our friendship she told me how hard it was moving to seattle and I think it would be for anyone. Especially if your parents aren't there and you just came hoping for something different and new. omg and paying for everything just adds a whole new level of stress on everything. so I could totally relate to her but I think things are definitely a lot better :) 

what ended up happening was half of the group was wasted, most especially priscilla and the other half was driving. It was funny because she puked all over my leg and Ranju's shoe, and we both freaked out. I was pretty drunk and stuck my leg out the boat to wash it off and everyone was freaking out. They thought I was gonna fall out .. 

anyways I think the weirdest part of the night was talking to Ranju. She has been interested in this guy for awhile, finally made out with him and last night she was trying to text him and call him a lot and he just got mad. Overall I don't like this guy because he just doesn't seem interested in her, he used to be her TA(teacher assistant) for school. He gets mad at her for little things and it's just annoying because she kept telling me she wants to hook up with him even though she's never been with anyone or done any of this before. I just feel like she has this misconception of what love is. She kept saying love is like this outside our church, people do this. But I don't believe that, just because people do this doesn't make it love. I honestly don't care if she dates, I just want her to date someone that deserves her. Not some old creep that yells at her over the phone. Honestly how could she have anything to compare it to. She has never been treated nicely by a guy. And because of a guy she is not in this church anymore. I want to help her but I know she doesn't want someone who is preaching to her about life especially about the church. She keeps telling me that she is in love with this guy. 

I just saw what happened to my friend Maylee when she went after guys that didn't like her,that they pretty much just wanted to hook up and that's it. She knew it was wrong, she knew they didn't want more out of the relationship but she kept pretending because she wanted to be wanted. She wanted to have someone. Then when she finally got with the guy she is with now, who wants to be with her and treats her like a goddess she feels so weird because she is not used to it. But she is a lottt happier. I didn't say much about those guys she dated before I just said I didn't like them and that she deserved better. I don't want to see ranju do the same thing to herself. It's weird after reading that book Perks of Being a Wallflower that line always sticks out to me: we accept the love we think we deserve. It's sooo true. and it makes me sad because so many people don't think they deserve better and are surprised if they do get better.

Even looking at parents sometimes the love we think we don't deserve I think pushes people apart. One of my friends in the church, her parents are having a really hard time right now. It's just sad because she was questioning about relationships and how does she even know how to be in a relationship because her parents were nothing like she wants to be with her husband.

that's all I have to say for now. I'm excited for this quarter to be over. I really need to take the time to straighten out things with the business, I think I'm really afraid of either outcome. I feel like one leaves me trapped in something that could make me really successful but possibly really unhappy. The other leaves me as someone who has no idea what they are doing with their life, in a lot of debt and chasing after art. I wonder if I put a price on my own happiness haha or maybe I just forgot what made me happy with this when I started.

much love judi

new blog wooot

Here's the new blog...

I'm not really sure what to write hahah I feel like I am writing in a journal.

Today was pretty good. I didn't go crazy on studying for the accounting quiz I had today but I still think I did good. 

I was soooo soo tired when I got home after school I fell asleep for two hours.

Yesterday I went to NGA house and gave a testimony/ talk to the second years because they have a staff ws. Needless to say it was awkward. And my talk was not planned and I just talked about how hard second year can be if you have no purpose. I'm not really sure they got anything out of it. I also had a one on one with UJ, about the business.

It was surprisingly exactly what I needed to hear. I haven't had a good one on one with UJ since my first year of NGA. Basically he told me that whatever it is I end up doing I need to do it with motivation. I have to choose my reasons for doing it and then follow that. So now I guess it's a matter of what is most important to me in my reasons why and can I follow through with that reason no matter what. 

I still want to write out all the things about my business that I could possibly follow through with. Reasons why I wouldn't give up. But I also need to make reasons for why I want to pursue art. I haven't had time because I've just been doing homework and surviving the school grind. 

I'm excited for the week to end because friday is Pricilla's birthday and we are going on a boat, to eat and drink and stuff. I haven't done something fun like that since Halloween. It seems like most of the people here that don't party, their idea of fun is getting tea and watching movies at home. Which I don't mind but sometimes I feel like it lacks adventure. I'm sure there is a compromise between the two but I am starving for something exciting after all these tests and stuff. 

Aichan's been struggling lately, I feel bad for her, it's mostly stuff to do with her parents and how nga is making it hard for their family. It's weird because I feel like even though it's really terrible it's definitely making us be closer. Andddd we signed up for hot yoga classes through groupon so I'm pretty excited for that, but we need to go twice a week in order for it to be worth having. 

I found a quote today randomly that relates to exactly what I'm feeling. It's funny because Mergen posted the exact opposite like his perspective on things. The fact that he posted it makes me hate him more hahahah 

this is what he said:

"My core belief is that the pursuit of Mastery requires we be willing to leave our comfort zones, to make mistakes (once) and learn. All smart people do dumb things and one of the dumbest is to believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well. In addition to being totally debilitating, this statement is totally untrue. Here is a more accurate statement: Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly (at the beginning).

Bumper sticker: When you know better, you do better." 

Keith J. Cunningham

Then what I found was this:

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.

bleh I'm not sure if mine seems like it is making excuses but mergen's is annoying because it has to relate to context. the context is basically are you willing to risk $200,000 of someone else's money to prove anything doing is worth doing poorly at the beginning? God I get soo annoyed with him. 

anyways thank god we are not married.

love jude.